Mentally Incontinent by Joe Peacock

Author:Joe Peacock
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub, pdf
Tags: Autobiography
ISBN: 9781101155264
Publisher: Gotham
Published: 2005-01-02T00:00:00+00:00

Mike stared at his cookie, pondering the story I’d just told him. Then again, he could have been studying the pattern his teeth had made as he worked his way around a particularly large piece of walnut. I couldn’t really tell. You never can with Mike.

“So ...” I probed.

Without looking away from his cookie, he nodded.

I sighed.

“What?” he asked.

“You know what,” I said as I stood up in a huff.

“What, you want to know what I think?” he asked, following my movement across the kitchen with his head.

I sighed again. “You know I do,” I said as I opened the fridge to get a drink.

“Yeah, well, you already know what I think, so I don’t see the point.”

“Maybe I just want to talk about it?” I said from inside the fridge.

“You just spent an hour talking about it,” he responded.

I grabbed a can of soda I’d been staring at for several seconds and popped its top as I kicked the refrigerator door closed behind me. “You know, for being my best friend, you really can be a dick sometimes.” I turned to walk out of the kitchen.

“What, you don’t want to talk now?” Mike asked.

“Nah ... If you’re not going to help me, I might as well be playing GoldenEye with—Oh, shit!” I whipped around to find that Mike had stood to follow me upstairs.

He stopped as fast in his tracks as I had. “What is it?” he whispered.

I signaled for him to hush and waved him down as if we were treading the jungle in search of Vietcong. Slowly, I crept into the living room, past the couch and toward the front window to confirm what I thought I’d seen. I made out what appeared to be a sneaker, which was revealed to be connected to a foot, which was fastened to a hip belonging to a crying and distraught thirty-five-year-old woman from Arizona.

“Fuck!” I whispered loudly.

Mike shrugged.

“She’s on the porch,” I whispered, pointing my thumb over my shoulder, indicating where both the porch and Jessica were.

“Oh, no way,” Mike said aloud. Just as he did, I looked through the window to see Jessica’s sneakered foot jerk slightly, acknowledging that she’d heard him.

I shot a look Mike’s way. “Great.”

“Sorry,” he said. “But it’s not like she didn’t know we were home.”

“I guess you’re right. So, what do I do?”

“I dunno,” he said. “That’s a tough call.”

“You know,” I said, “you’ve been absolutely no help whatsoever today. Thank you. Really. I mean that.”

“What?” he said. “You’re in a fucked-up situation. Nothing I can say will help it. What do you want me to do, tell you everything is going to be all right? You’ve got a woman from Arizona sleeping on our doorstep. There’s not much to be said, you know?”

“Yeah, I know,” I replied. “I just have no idea how to handle this.”

Mike looked at me. “You going to talk to her?”

“Yeah ... I think I have to.”

“You don’t have to,” he said. “You could just go upstairs and pretend she doesn’t exist.

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